Bad habits and changes

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In the past few years, with the freedom of having time which I could spend how I wanted, money which I had more control over what to spend on and the priviledge of living in such a rich part of the world, I had developed some bad habits. Most of them were related to the consumerist culture which we live in, and my own inability to resist the temptation of succumbing to thoughts of ‘everyone else has one’ or ‘I can have it if I want it’ or ‘what do I feel like doing?’

I am definitely still struggling with a lot of these things.

However, through one thing and another, I’ve actually realised that I have, with God’s help, managed to drop some of these bad habits, which was a nice thought, and one I wanted to focus on a little in this post, just so I don’t forget that things are improving and can continue to, as a little encouragement.

Here’s what it looked like [this is a pre-Phoebe one!]

Checking facebook and twitter before getting up, at any point in the day I felt a bit bored, before bed and really, probably in my sleep. Thinking in tweets.

Lamenting about my clothes and making lists of things I needed to buy, doing endless ‘research’ of internet shopping and going through shops thinking about what I wanted. 

Watching tv as a background noise when alone in the flat; pay half attention to whatever else I was doing, often being on the internet on pinterest or twitter before getting any uni work done. 

Thankfully, lots of things have contributed to changes in these areas. We moved house, and had a baby, and those things meant I had less time to focus on what I felt like doing, and more time to concentrate on being selfless. When Phoebe was little I started reading on my kindle whilst feeding/ she was asleep on me, and whilst I watched tv quite a bit that has diminished over time. I’m now at the point where it’s not my default, to sit down on the sofa in quiet and think, turn the tv on. I used to struggle to turn it off once Neighbours, or whatever had finished, but now I don’t channel flick but switch off. I don’t really know how or where this came from, but it has organically happened and I’m so grateful. Obviously it’s not perfect. Sometimes I think if life was different and I lived alone, would I have a tv? Probably, yes. I would like to think that we have it because Josh likes watching films etc, but I have more of a pull to it than I might like to think. It’s easy, easier than putting effort into choosing a book and making my brain work to read it. But easy has taken over our culture. Everything is instantaneous, and if it’s not easy we complain. I need to take a step back from easy and focus on things that require effort, but are worth it.

My temptation to internet surf has been made a bit better by getting a smart phone, and a bit worse. I used to turn the computer on to check university emails and get stuck for hours looking at various things like twitter etc. With a smartphone I can see that there is nothing urgent, and it’s a lot easier to put down. A few months ago I decided to take a hiatus from facebook and twitter. Thankfully this means that my compulsions to go on them all the time are broken, and now I only use them to a minimum. At the moment I have the temptation of checking instagram or bloglovin when I have a quiet few minutes, and that’s a compulsion I’m trying to get out of. (Again, it’s easy and has become a habit). I don’t want the end of my day, my last thoughts before sleep to be shaped by a back-lit screen. I don’t want my first thoughts to be about the internet. On the other hand I love being able to do my Bible reading plan (she reads truth) on my phone at breakfast, so that is great. But the compulsions are still pulling me- so a mixed blessing, and something I’m trying to work on.

Being in the middle of a consumer, material driven culture has really had an effect on my feelings of having the ‘right’ to lots of things and ‘needing’ x, y and z. We are so blessed to have a roof over our head, clothes enough to clothe us for months, and food. Everything else we have is above and beyond all that, yet I still feel the ‘need’ to get more. Not only is that just going to fill up my house, and my thoughts, but that money I’m spending on myself is so needed, genuinely needed by other people. I’ve gone cold turkey with buying clothes, and just haven’t been into town shopping for months. Last week I went to get Josh some trousers and genuinely felt overwhelmed just by walking through one shop. It was so loud. Everything was shouting ‘you need this’, ‘you want me’, ‘you, you, you’, and I just wanted to get out. I’m trying to care more about what I buy by spending more time thinking about it, where it’s from and who it’s benefitting (who made it etc.), and also trying to make the clothes I want. I’ve wasted much time and money thinking ‘I want this,’ gone looking for it, not found it but bought lots of other things instead. Making things is going to test and grow my skills. It will take longer than having instant gratification of walking into a shop, but I am valuing things much more this way.

My hopes are that I’m going to be able to redirect money that I was spending on myself towards people and situations who really depend on it, and redirecting time I spent wasted on the internet or tv to more worthwhile things. I’m trying, trying being the operative word here, to use those two or three minute pauses to pray, rather than jump on my phone. Prayer matters, it changes things, it draws your heart alongside your Father’s. That is much better for my time.

All of these things are such a battle and a struggle, especially when it means going against the usual, predominant culture. Ideas of what I want, what I need, are becoming less and thinking more about what others need is my priority. It’s hard. I’m going to fail, but God has the grace to pick me up and keep me going.

Spring walks

Back when we still had sun (it seems like a long time ago!) Phoebe would grab her coat, try to shove her arms in it and stand at the gate next to the back door, desparaerate to go outside. She gets extra excited when I open the gate which goes from our garden to the outside. Really, it makes me wish we had a nice long grass garden for her to run up and down, especially at this age when it’s harder for her to understand what I’m saying about going out or not going out. I guess we’ll have to go to the park lots this summer – that’s lots of up and downhill walking for me!

First she started off wanting to take my hand, but now she wants to go her own way more and more. Walking down the alleyway between the houses she’ll turn around, see Poppy following, giggle and start running excitedly away. ‘Ba’ often follows, to her delight! We’ve used the reins quite a bit, the advantage of knowing she isn’t running into the road without having to stare at her head the whole time is not lost on me.

Last week I taught her how to smell flowers (dandelions) as she was attempting to put one in her mouth. She hasn’t quite realised the beauty of it, but hopefully will soon. I’m just glad not to have to dig petals from her mouth personally. Here’s to more sunshine (please!) so that we can take more walks.

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[Sitting down in protest, the view up and downhill from outside our house, silhouettes and hand-grabbing]

Hibernation in spring

With an essay deadline looming and child, husband and house to look after at the same time, I’m trying to knuckle down to get some work done whenever I get the chance, so things might be a little quieter for the next ten days or so!

After making my first maxi skirt and wearing it on this nice warm day, I may just be wearing them most of spring

Spring

Somewhere over the rainbow...got a bit lost in the bottom of the library, but I wasn't complaining!;)

I’m currently…

trying… to remember how to write research essays and remembering not to use ‘wooly’ phrases which I often do!

looking forward… to some more sunshine which keeps coming and going, alternating with cold cold rain

loving… all the beautiful blossom which has burst into fluffy colour on the trees this week

thinking… about my next sewing project after making my first maxi skirt

pondering… the ridiculous idea of doing more study after my degree just because I want to spend more time in the library

planning… the summer list

wanting… to write something to sum up my thoughts on this book and the work God has been doing in my heart around these issues

hoping… to get to see my husband this week at some point since he’s also really busy with deadlines [his is the ridiculous stay-up-all-night busy!]

enjoying… Bible study, and wanting to do more which is nice, as sometimes it’s tempting to see as a ‘tick off the list’ thing which is totally wrong!

creating… lots of little granny squares to make Phoebe a blanket for when she has a ‘big bed’

pinning… things about running, bread recipes and sewing patterns

breaking… bad habits I used to have

15 months with Phoebe

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The summer months are coming and Phoebe is full of energy and equally getting even more independant and determined.

You…

  • Can stand yourself up from sitting by pushing into an upside down V shape and standing up
  • Say ‘bu, bu bu’ and lots of other noises
  • Love the slide at nursery
  • Have been on the swings with us a few times
  • Like kiwis and strawberries and blueberries lots
  • Try to put your gilet on and go to the door when you want to go outside
  • Try to open the door with the car key
  • Love emptying the dvds from the rack
  • Really want to put your shoes on yourself but can’t work it out yet
  • Love toddling around outside in the garden
  • Know that Poppy and your toy cat are the same thing
  • Want to pick Poppy up and point at her when she comes in the room
  • Seem to be flitting between one long nap and two short ones
  • Have had two bad nights with teeth, awake for 2 hours each time
  • Have slept late quite a lot since the clocks changed, an extra hour at night usually
  • Insist on drinking out of bottles or glasses not baby sippy cups
  • Have had your fringe cut
  • Like getting in your bumbo and baby bouncing chair
  • Can climb up onto the rocking chair by yourself
  • Love hanging off the stairgate and trying to climb the stairs somehow whilst it’s still in the way
  • Are stubborn and don’t like being told which way to walk and instead go the other way giggling
  • Have a few tantrums when things don’t go your way
  • Have two molars at the top, getting the bottom ones now
  • Start most ‘words’ with ‘b’
  • Point at Poppy saying ‘ba’ ‘ba’ ‘ba’ over and over
  • Love ‘blowing’ your nose and no longer scream when I try to wipe it but come over happily
  • Love hugging one particular cushion and climbing onto the big armchair
  • Have been playing in a box a lot, although you get frustrated that it’s slightly too high to get in and out of alone!

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The girl and the books

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IMG_5830This girl loves to read; and I love that. Josh has read Beatrix Potter books to her pretty much since she was born, and she’s gone from pulling the books off the shelf into a pile to turning the pages, pointing at things and generally studying them like in the picture above. As an English Lit student, I obviously love reading, and really hope that it can enrich her childhood in the way it did mine. Knowing that one day we should be able to share the books I loved as a child, and read them together is a really nice thought. Phoebe can only concentrate on tv for a few minutes, something I’m hoping will nurture her love of reading instead; there is something so much more rich and involving in imagining a story, or world from a book, than something you’re fed by television. My deepest imaginary games and wanderings were inspired by stories and books, not anything on television.

Josh isn’t a great reader, which is fine; he prefers dipping into books about trains and things, but the two of them really enjoy story time together. Phoebe gets a bit frustrated if everything doesn’t go her way [miss independent  which often results in her holding a book of her own whilst Josh reads another to her. Of late she’s been going to bed ‘reading’ a book, and waking up with it still in her hand. She loves chatting to them too; ‘bababa, a- baba’. She seems to be working hard on the word ‘book’, but it’s hard to tell amongst all the other ‘b’ sounds she makes. Maybe her first word besides ‘muma’ will be ‘book’, but that might be my wishful thinking!

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